2018 NFL season is in the books and the playoffs are just a fortnight minus 13 days away. Yeah…They start tomorrow (I just wanted to use the term fortnight). Time for my first annual playoff predictions! Here we go…
Just spit balling here…but it probably plays out like this…
AFC
LA @ Bal: Philip Rivers always comes up small in the playoffs, but his repeated use of the word “Dadgum” causes Lamar Jackson to giggle uncontrollably, preventing him from ever hitting top speed. Chargers 20 Ravens 14
Ind @ Hou: Andrew Luck and the Colts are on a tear and they have Houston’s number. J.J. Watt accidentally falls into the cleft in Bill O’Brien’s chin and misses game. Deshaun Watson sacked six times including three in which he sacks himself. Colts 27 Texans 13
LA @ NE: Pains me to say it, but Patriots aren’t losing in the Divisional round. Belichick streams Chargers game plan on Netflix. Brady’s minions paint Nerf football brown which goes unrevealed until 2021. Rivers turns into his usual playoff pumpkin. Patriots 31 Chargers 17
Ind @ KC: Colts nice run comes to an end. Clark Hunt presents Andy Reid with new mustache comb right before kickoff. Distracted by new toy, Reid stays out of the way preventing the annual playoff choke job…for one week. Colts can’t keep up. Chiefs 42 Colts 20
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Patriots @ Chiefs: Andy Reid…mustache uncombable due to extreme temperatures…coaches game in entirety. Belichick wills Reid to share game plan with his mind. Reid complies. Under trance, Reid lets Belichick call offensive plays resulting in 1st down punts for every series of the second half. Patriots 26 Chiefs 17
NFC
Phil @ Chi: Bears pummel Foles. Foles pulls hamstring in his penis. Misses second half. Bears 23 Eagles 10
Sea @ Dal: Seattle forces Dak into costly mistakes. Zeke Elliott can’t find his lucky half shirt. Russel Wilson proves his worth. Jerry Jones frowns, but you can’t tell. Seahawks 27 Cowboys 10
Chi @ Rams: Bears at Rams. Payback time. Trubisky throws 2 TDs to Bear receivers and 3 to Rams defenders. McVay offers to let Matt Nagy use his hair gel knowing full well that Nagy is bald. Rams 38 Bears 14
Sea @ NO: Seahawks at Saints. Seahawks play valiantly. Sean Payton loads 3 diapers. Pete Carroll swallows, regurgitates and then swallows again…his gum. Brees leads a last minute drive. Saints 24 Seattle 23
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Rams @ Saints. Sean McVay conjures Jonathan Lipnicki from 1996 to impersonate him on sideline, so McVay can flawlessly execute his game plan from bench in locker room. Plan almost fails when Lipnicki calls second quarter timeout to ask the official if he knew that the human head weighs 8 pounds. Unfazed by close call, Sean McVay force feeds multiple shit sandwiches to Sean Payton in second half. Plus, Drew Brees is short. Rams 34 Saints 17
SUPERBOWL
Rams vs Patriots. Jared Goff throwaway pass hits Belichick in the nuts forcing him to miss 3 series in first half. Patriots never recover. Donald and Suh combine for 10 sacks of Tom Little Hands, the last of which literally rips Brady in two. Gurley rushes for 360 yards on 36 carries and Rams roll to 36 – 0 win. Post game, ESPN breaks news of accusations that Belichick once again recorded the Rams final pregame walk through, however this time all he got was footage of Sean McVay pacing the sidelines in a sandwich board which read “Fuck You Belichick” on both sides. Belichick denies story saying only “We’re on to 2019”.
And there you have it. If you’re a gambling man (or woman)…you can thank me later.
Enjoy the games!
